Thanks College

I hate job hunting. It's my most hated thing in the world behind laundry, cleaning bathrooms, and adult kickball leagues. Honestly, as an adult I'd rather be drinking a beer at home watching re-runs of "King of Queens" than kicking a ball with other adults who think they're important because they have a $35K/ year job as an assistant on the hill to an obscure representative from Idaho. I've also found that if you start something off with "no offense", it basically clears you of any responsibility for the statements you make. As in, "No offense to my hill staffer friends who play adult kickball and work hard every day to change the library book rental laws of Ward 6 in Boise, Idaho".

When applying for jobs, though, I can't stand the actual process of degrading myself. What I mean is that it's an ugly reminder of just how mediocre life can feel when you're part of corporate America. You send a cover letter explaining how excited and honored you are for the mere opportunity to apply for this particular position, followed by the valient effort of having to sell yourself and your skills to a stranger in hopes of future compensation - much like a prostitute. Most of my time is spent having to sift through long and overly enthusiastic job descriptions on various websites falsely taunting me with advertisements like "Are you tired of commuting and long hours in the office? Well here's your chance to work from home PART-TIME in your pajamas and make up to $300K/year!!!!" Of course I'm tired of commuting and working long hours and wearing clothing or brushing my teeth for work. THAT IS WHY I'M HERE. These people know this and play into my already tainted view of how life in your 20's is a fucked up game of chasing the corporate carrot. We're always trying to move to the next level and improve ourselves to get that higher salary and that promotion, which is not entirely a bad thing. But what is frustrating is that we were never taught that hard work and intelligence don't guarantee you anything. In school, if you work hard and possess some semblance of a brain, you're guaranteed to move to the next level and eventually graduate with a diploma and a picture of you shaking hands with the Dean who just mispronounced your last name. In real life and at work, it's never that cut and dry.

I often times wonder why there wasn't a college course offered to help you handle the politics and realities and responsibilities that come with "the real world" after you graduate. The course should be called "How to not desperately claw your eyes out despite all the fucked up shit you see and hear on a daily basis at work for the next 40 years of your life." Every last person would be able to look back on that course and relate. Instead, we get Calculus, English 101, and false hope that we will find the perfect job with a great salary and live happily ever after as a reward for our 21 years of school. That's one hell of a $240,000 trick that us highly educated people fell into. But hey, at least I got to black out 3 times a week and take naps at 2pm.

So in my almost daily search for "The perfect job", or at least one that gives the illusion of perfection, I find myself feeling consistently inadequate and somewhat degraded. I can apply to 100 jobs and hear nothing back, leaving me to wonder if I'm doomed to walk through the doors of the same building for the rest of my life. But in the case that one employer does respond, I'm bombarded with questions about my experience, education, and knowledge/skills that they may or may not find useful for their company. And in the event I pass through those hurdles, I may be invited for an in-person interview where I'm forced to lie about "Where I want to be 5-10 years from now". 5-10 years from now I'd like to be retired and swimming nude in a desolate carribbean beach being massaged by a pygmy, but I've found that most employers frown upon that response. Therefore, the correct response is "5-10 years from now I'd like to be in a position where my experience and knowledge of emerging markets and global economic trends, along with my natural abilities to lead and motivate others in a cohesive environment, direct me towards opportunities in a managerial role that will foster overall growth and success for myself and this company." And after all the B.S., you shake hands and (if you're lucky) receive a call from Bill the Recruitment guy telling you that your interview went great and they'd like to hire you for a full-time position at a whopping $43k/Yr. Well geez, now I can afford that Hyundai Accent I've been dreaming about. (No offense to Hyundai drivers)

So for now, the search continues. But at the end of the day, I can be grateful that I have my framed college diploma as documented proof of my eligibility to successfully read a job description, click "Apply", and eagerly wait for a phone call that may or may not come. Meanwhile, Snookie has just shown her tits for a million dollars and Justin Bieber has auctioned off his first pubic hair on ebay for charity. Hard work really does pay off.