Having spent my first beautifully diastrous week in NYC, I figured I would copulate (yes, engage in sexual intercourse with) a quick recap of some of the things/moments that have amused me. Aka, I want to have sex with this list:
10.) Homeless People on bikes. Not quite sure if they're actually homeless or just excessively hipster artists from Brooklyn, but either way they're obnoxious and I've managed to cuss out a number of these bike bastards. And they smell.
9.) Asians. They are literally everywhere and I couldn't be more thrilled. Watching them take pictures of one another whilst giggling and holding up an enormous Papaya's hotdog is most certainly enthralling. Plus Korea town is a mere 3 blocks from my apartment, which means I can witness young Korean girls go crazy when they spot a "famous" Korean singer and enjoy a bulgogi at 3am whenever I please.
8.) The Irish. I've had the pleasure of meeting quite a few Irish people. Not only have they made fantastic drinking partners, but they're also extremely foul-mouthed, which is a beautiful thing. Somehow the phrase "Fuck off you wanker cunt" sounds so much more polite and borderline romantic when it comes out of their mouths as opposed to mine. Note to self: Take a weekend trip to Dublin and practice drinking whiskey out of a pint glass.
7.) The Jews. For some inexplicable reason, I have a relentless case of Jewish envy. When drunk, I will often times go as far as telling people I'm Jewish and rant about all the pretend presents and money I received at my Barmitzvah. Whatever. And it so happens that on Sunday I went to see a movie at the AMC in the Upper West Side (which my friend pointed out was "very Jewy"). It definitely resembled the early bird special crowd at a Chinese restaurant on Christmas. I've never seen so many old Jews, both men and women, in my life. And this is why I love the Jews, because when they are old and have saved enough money from their days as a lawyer and/or doctor, they can afford to live in the Upper West Side. Therefore, my dating criteria has since changed - find and deceive into marriage/civil union a young Jewish banker/lawyer/doctor/CEO. By the looks of Manhattan, I should be married and swimming naked in my private pool in the Hamptons by May.
6.) Models. These, too, are everywhere. In fact, my roommate had one of her various boy interests over last night. This, I have discovered, is completely normal and acceptable in NYC. If one is not dating at least 3 people at any given time, then you should consider yourself a hideous sewer creature with no future and a possible birth defect. This boy was not only attractive enough to be on an Abercrombie and Fitch bag, but he was also super nice and thoughtful enough to sleep/walk around naked in the wee hours of the morning. In fact, when I awoke for work still drunk from the previous night, he was nice enough to brush his teeth while I peed right next to him. In the toilet, of course. I'm not an animal. This is NYC people, and there's only one bathroom per every 400 New Yorkers - at least I can share it with a model. Too bad I got stage fright and he eventually had to leave, but it was the thought that counts.
5.) The Gays. They're so prominent that the whole city sounds like a series of lisps, creating a noise that sounds like someone is slowly draining the air out of Manhattan via a pin-sized hole. Last night I was out for a walk circa 12am (because I have yet to join a gym and have serious and legitimate fears of being the fattest person in NYC) and an older gentleman stopped me in my tracks with just one hand out in front of him, palms facing towards me, and said, "Those shorts are just FABULOUS!" I was confused not because this man stopped me, but moreso because I was wearing a pair of older cargo plaid shorts from Express. Last season. Clearly this gay was not up-to-date.
4.) Bagels. They are the best. Enough said.
3.) Walking quickly. Although I've always been a fast walker, I've had to really focus on perfecting this skill as it seems everyone is consistently walking faster and faster as the day goes on. And there is no mercy for slow-moving old ladies and cripples, for they are merely shoved to the side of the sidewalks and wished death upon by hurried executives and long-legged women in pumps.
2.) The Chinese Lady. Technically this should be under the "Asian" category. However, I feel Chinese Lady is worthy of her own slot on my top 10. I believe she works and lives in a cubby hole next to my building, and emerges from it to run her Chinese restaurant, laundry service, and sushi dispensary 24/7. I'm fairly certain she never sleeps and runs on some special Chinese-imported gasoline diet. Nevertheless, I'm grateful that I can drop-off my underwear and grab some Sushi to-go with a side of Beef and Broccoli at any given moment. It wouldn't surprise me if Chinese Lady is secretly a multi-billionaire and owns several underground casinos in Manhattan. As well as the entire island itself.
1.) Delivery. You can literally have anything you can imagine delivered. From drugs to tampons to a late-night mail order Jamaican hooker from Queens, it's all merely a phonecall away. I've found that with minimal effort on my part, I would never have to leave the square block radius of my apartment. Which is why I've also come to find that it's nearly impossible to maintain any sort of friendship with anyone who lives on the opposite end of Manhattan. If you live on the East side, you might as well bid adieu to your friends on the West side. Anything above 70th street might as well be considered Connecticut. And if you're dating someone in Brooklyn, which might as well be New Jersey, which might as well be Soviet Russia, you'll be forced into a long-distance relationship that will be limited to sexual encounters via Skype and Gchat.
A bonus magic 11*
11.) Trader Joe's. DO NOT, BY ANY MEANS, visit the Trader Joe's in Flatiron or midtown or anywhere in Manhattan, really, after the hours of 5pm. You will be mauled. And you will be bitten. And you will get rabies. Best advice is to take a "hunter-gatherer" partner with you, so that he/she can hunt-and-gather food while you wait in the 75 minute checkout line. Concrete jungle is an understatement, as it seems New Yorkers at a Trader Joe's during rush hour have reverted back to the caveman era of hunting for our own food. Darwinism at its finest. FUN!
-Andres (aka Fat Asian Girl from Madison Ave)
