Due to most recent events in the "dating" scene, I've been forced to compile a list of what I think 10 rules for dating me (or anyone really) should be. But seeing as how I'm single and have no real valid track record of functioning relationships, you can take these with a grain of salt.
1.) Do not ask me to call you if we have not met. Because most of us live busy lives and can't be bothered with meeting and courting people the old-fashioned way, we've turned to the era of online matchmaking. There's a few downsides to this: 1. People lie through their photos 2. You can't get a good read on the crazies via your computer screen. 3.) See number 1
2.) Brush ya fuckin teeth. Seriously, it's a very simple concept if you think about it. At least use some fucking mouthwash. A few weeks ago I was bored and decided to meet this French kid for drinks in Hell's Kitchen. He seemed attractive enough via pictures, but then when we met up his teeth looked like broken shards of glass that were run through a garbage disposal, dipped in cow shit, and re-attached to his gums. It's one thing to have genetically horrible teeth and poor parents that can't afford braces, but a tube of toothpaste and some Scope costs about 5 bucks. I mean shit get it together.
3.) Don't pretend you're a baller when you're not. Allow me to use the same French kid as an example. He enjoyed discussing his various responsibilities at work, along with his great 1 bedroom apartment in Midtown West with his 3 cats. That's all fine and dandy, but when we go to buy a bottle of wine at the Chinese market for $8.99 and your credit card gets declined, perhaps it's time to ditch the cats and consider a roommate. Or a second job. At least I admit I'm poor.
4.) Don't criticize my drinking. If I find it weird that we are only splitting 1 tiny bottle of wine for an entire night and you give me a judgmental eyebrow raise
(Yes you, you French bastard), chances are this is not going to work out. Half a bottle of wine doesn't even relax my left tit. Call me an alcoholic, but I call it "prioritizing my caloric intake".
5.) Say SOMETHING. It doesn't take some superflous set of social skills to have a normal conversation. A while back I met this guy at a bar beneath my building (good trick is to have them come to you, particularly if you have little vested interest to begin with). Things seemed perfectly normal via text, which could disprove my first rule of not calling before meeting but whatever. When we sat down at the bar, I could hear crickets chirping. Every time I finished some sort of sentence, even as basic as "This beer is incredible. I've never tasted such a delicious Miller Lite", the guy would stare at me like some sort of Autistic 3 year old. By the end of the first hour I was so exhausted from having to maintain any sort of decent conversation that I gave up, took a shot, and went back up to my apartment to catch the last 15 minutes of Hocus Pocus on ABC Family.
6.) It's not a job, so let's not interview. It's inevitable that at some point during a date you might straddle the fine line of interview questions. The trick is to catch yourself before you do it and divert to something else. For example, "Kim Kardashian is a whore. Discuss." He will have no choice but to agree. And just like that, you've found 1 thing in common!
7.) NEVER ask someone "Where do you want to be in ten years?" or "What kind of animal would you want to be?" WHAT? These two questions were actually asked of me on two separate occasions. You know what kind of animal I'd want to be? A hybrid between a Cheetah and a Preying Mantis. A "Cheyantis". That way, I can rip off your head after we've had sex and then run away as fast as possible.
8.) Don't say you're from Ohio. Seriously is EVERYONE from Ohio? I'm beginning to think there's some sort of underground tunnel that transports oppressed gays and very bored heterosexual white guys from Dayton, Ohio to every major city in the Northeast. If you're from Ohio, just say something else. Anything else. Try Boise, Idaho. No one will ever argue or say "Oh really? What part of Boise are you from? I grew up right outside the gunshop on Main Street". No one is from Boise, so it's a safe bet.
9.) Don't suggest that we meet at your place. If I don't know you, I'm not coming to your apartment to meet you. Apparently this isn't common sense to some people. The last thing I want is to end up chopped into small pieces and put inside a hefty bag. Or even worse, being caught in an extremely awkward situation with no real way to leave. As curious as I am to see what other people's apartments look like, I'd much rather have a clear and easy escape route.
10.) Don't offer to buy me a canoe. 2 weeks ago I met a guy named "Ronald" for a drink in Chelsea. I should have known how this would turn out when I saw he was wearing Birkenstocks with khaki pants. 20 minutes into the date, he suggested we go camping near some obscure river in Pennsylvania. When I said I'm not much of an "Outdoorsy camper type" and much prefer the comfort of a flat screen TV and chicken wings on an Ikea sofa, he responded with, "Well how about I buy us a canoe? I bet you'll change your mind". There is no "us" so he would essentially be buying "me" a canoe. I barely allow myself to have more than 2 pillows due to lack of space in my apartment, much less a fucking canoe.
Verdict: I'm either dying alone or in some apartment surrounded by ten cats and some canoes. Awesome.
