Here Comes the Bride...and the Shitshow

There's really nothing more invigorating than the hopes of an open bar, balls to the wall wedding. Last weekend, I attended the wedding of Andrea and Terrence Bayly, and the following is a recap of some of the night's events:

At the church, I was trusted to play the role of "Greeter", which for anyone who knows me, that's quite the risk considering how utterly and completely inappropriate I am 85% of the time. You really want me to greet your grandmother and 2nd cousins from the west coast while wearing a suit that may or may not hold a flask in the coat pocket? Superb.

Now, as a fat Asian girl, really the only thing I could think of through the entire Catholic ceremony was binge eating/drinking at the reception. Some may say that I have problems of over-consumption, but I just think I have lofty goals of being hefty and seducing a mate through my inability to carry myself with any dignity whatsoever. I'm also confident that the Jew sitting behind me at church shared the same sentiment, since he kept leaning forward in his pew and ever so gently asking me, "What quarter are we in? I think I'll be optimistic and say we're halfway through 3rd".

This, it turns out, was only the beginning of a series of entertaining questions that would get me through a 1-hour long Catholic mass. A few minutes later, I would hear the pew creaking and, ever so gently, the whisper of the Jew asking, "Is it me, or does Jesus look a lot like Osama Bin Laden?" Moments later, a short and stalky dark-haired man, clearly late for the ceremony, huffed and puffed his way into my row and this time, with a lot less tact, the Jew exclaimed, "Holy shit it's Danny De Vito!" That time, I just couldn't hold my laughter. After all, fat Asian girls are known for giggling. Of course, my Latina mom was there to scold me, even at the ripe age of 24, with "Andres! Shat Ap and poot jur Blackberry away, Jesu Christo is watching!"

To be honest, the ceremony was beautiful but church is church, and it's boring as all hell. Special thanks to the Jew for making my hour that day more pleasant.

The reception that followed could only be described as a classy debauchery, as everyone was wearing their "Sunday Best", but by the 2nd hour their behavior was more akin to "Thursdays in College Park". I, of course, was not wasting anytime and pre-gamed for the open bar reception in the limo ride from the church. Thankfully, Susan's alcohol induced brain plans ahead, much like mine, and we were able to sneak in a bottle of champagne to the limo, cleverly concealed by a transluscent plastic grocery bag which, if bought in DC, was worth every penny of those 5 cents.

Being a half Latin/half American wedding, one could be entertained solely by observing the dance floor. The gringos (Americans, for you non-native spaniards), would flood the dancefloor every time Journey or "Shout" would start blaring from the speakers. Ah, to be white and boring. Then, like a scene from a play, the crowd would quickly shift once Shakira would come on. The gringos would exit and on came the Latin crowd, whose hips were clearly not lying. It was magical, and I could only compare it to watching "A West Side Story" live and up close.

After a drink or ten, or perhaps even 20 at this point, one of the best parts of my night occured. I was in the "powder room", when I ran into my dad. He's somewhat of a quiet fellow, but has an inexplicable ability to drop one liners with impeccable timing. As we finished washing our hands and walked out the door, our conversation went as follows:

Me: "Are you having fun dad?"
Dad " Yes. Andrea looks beautiful. I like the open cigar bar"
Me: "I can't wait for Vanessa Keating's wedding"
Dad: "Yeah, and Andrea Keating and Susan Riley"
Me: "Oh, well ya that's random I only mentioned Vanessa bc she's engaged. But yes, hooray for Susan and Andrea."
Dad : "Damn straight"
Me: "Did you just say damn straight, in a Spanish accent?".....Long silence....
Me: "Aren't you excited to have to pay for Daniella's entire wedding when she gets married?"

...And here comes dad, with all his magic and wit and impeccable timing as we walk past the coat check girl:

Dad: "Are you kidding? Your sister is a god damn Lesbian"

And with that, as quickly as it came, he parted ways with me as I was left clutching a vodka soda and, from the corner of my eye, witnessing the coat-check girl giggling.....like a fat asian girl.

To be honest, I don't like to discuss my complete levels of intoxication in a public forum because it seems a bit tacky and de-classe, but let's just say that as the night went on, I somehow thought it would be funny to go around and invite all the Catholics to my same-sex wedding. I'm not even in a relationship, let alone engaged, but for the sake of entertainment I'll do and say just about anything. Some gave looks of disapproval (particularly the older crowd), some gave looks of encouragement, some gave looks of 'Why are you the only one with your shirt completely unbuttoned?', yet all were hilarious and equally fulfilling.

The night somehow ended with a limo ride to McFadden's in Georgetown and me slipping and falling on someone else's strategically placed pool of vomit somewhere on the top floor. It's ok, I'm not hurt.

Until next time....
- FAG (Fat Asian Girl)