Invitation to See Me in L.A.

Dear Stephanie Gwyneth Ruth Eugenia Baker,

I will be in L.A. from this Thursday morning until Monday morning. Please arrange accordingly for us to see each other - preferably topless. MOST preferably topless and slightly intoxicated. Also, I miss your breasts and have not seen the newly reduced ones, for which I'm anxious and a bit perturbed by. I would also like to share that I might have very little energy - because seeing as how no one in Hollywood really eats or does anything remotely strenuous with their lives, I've been living off of half a pack of tic-tacs for the last week - with the occasional acorn I steal from the very mean squirrel that lives outside my window. Seriously, she's a bitch. Regardless, I hope I look as delectably emaciated as Sarah Michelle Gellar and/or Lindsay Lohan (but without the wrinkles and crack cocaine look that seems to be popular with the youngsters these days).

I'm also kind of a celebrity now, so the paparazzi will be following me around to take glamouorr shots and I don't want a rumor spreading on Perez Hilton that my slight "baby bump" indicates a newfound preganancy while I shop with Sandra Bullock in Beverly Hills. That would be embarassing seeing as how I'm not dating anyone and I've had my ovaries removed and eggs frozen some years back. Also, bring cheese.

Xoxo,
Andres

***

Omg. You have NO idea how much I miss you. Sooo I am free Friday night and all day Saturday, but I do have to work Sunday (stupid students moving back into the bldg). What plans do you already have? I am about 35 miles east of LA (nothing you want to do here, I assure you unless you want to eat at an all vegan restaurant or take a tour of the Claremont colleges). Oh, have I told you I'm vegan now? I just thought I should give you a heads up as I can no longer eat gluttonous amounts of cheese with you. I assure you I am the same cynical, sarcastic yet oddly compassionate short girl just with slightly smaller breasts and fewer cravings for cheese.

What are your plans? I am happy to come meet you somewhere that's more LA-esque than suburban Claremont at a time that's good for you.

Xoxo,

♥♥ Slightly reduced titties

PS my haircut is asymmetrical now. I thought I should warn you of the dangers of grad school (being too poor to afford a haircut around the entire circumference of one's head). Just didn't want you to be too alarmed.
***

Dear Slightly Reduced Titties,

I'm saddened, but not very shocked, that you're now Vegan. It seems that California does this to people. You move to the West coast and either chain yourself to trees and animals or become a bulimic windsurfer. Either way, it seems like a fabulous life. However, how do you live without cheese? And Milkshakes? And anything else that comes from the lovely tit (pronounced 'Teet') of a female cow. Also, how will I be able to spot you upon arrival to our meeting spot (which will inevitably be somewhere glamorous like the urine soaked friendly streets of Venice beach)? Don't you drive a small hybrid like everyone else over there? I'm also wondering - do your newly reduced breasts mean there will be less milk produced? In addition, if your feeding milk from your body to a small infant and/or starving homeless man, does that still make you a vegan? After all, that IS dairy.

And no worries about the haircut - mine is asymmetrical as well but only because I got drunk and attempted to shave down my sideburns. You're in good company.

Still though, bring cheese.

Xoxo,
Andres