Email Nation

Last weekend I ventured into Manhattan to purchase underwear.

In reality, though, the original intent was to interview for potential jobs. I had spent a better part of 2 weeks relentlessly contacting companies in an effort to schedule interviews for that particular Friday that I had planned on being in the city. When I say I was relentless, I truly mean that I came fairly close to having a restraining order placed against me by a handful of recruiters. Here's how I see it: If you ignore my emails, I will simply be forced to call you and practically recite my cover letter out loud over the phone. Not only do I find it idiotic that I'm required to write a cover letter, but I find it even more perplexing that the very people who asked for one don't even read it. I know this because they often times have no idea who I am. When I call, I can hear the fat fingers of Tim the recruiter typing furiously on his computer searching frantically for my resume, taking small pauses to sip his $7 Starbucks latte. Had he read it in the first place, I wouldn't be forced to stoop to such levels. I know we're all busy, but I feel 2-3 weeks is ample time to sort through applications and at least create a "Yes" and "No" pile.

Luckily, I'm quite shameless when it comes to competition and let's face it, applying for jobs in NYC puts me at quite a disadvantage, as I'm now helplessly competing against a plethora of overly educated, overachieving Jews and Asians. Honestly, how many 25 year old lawyers and executives named Adam Rosenberg does Manhattan really need? I'm far too complacent when it comes to furthering my education and seeking any degree or certification at the moment, so I commend them for their efforts. My approach, however, is far simpler - desperately claw my way to the top by forcing others into believing I'm competent. And if that doesn't work, I'll seduce a CEO.

My wishful thinking is that if everyone just stopped going back to school for more degrees, we can all be equally appreciated with nothing more than a Bachelor's. Much like the 60's and 70's. But since everyone has unanimously decided that higher education and enormous debt is the more intelligent route to pursue in exchange for real-world experience, our bachelor's degrees are now relatively worthless. Eventually, the Masters and PhD will be as well. Before you know it, we will all have 10 diplomas lining the walls of our cardboard box homes, because the only way to get a job will be to have some special talent that differentiates us - like playing the Cello or having no gag reflex.

So for two weeks I shuffled through a list of my most desired places to work that I had sent an application to. Included was a cover letter tailored specifically to the company I was applying to. In reality, though, all I did was change the name of the company. Because who has the time to sit and write cover letters for every job you're applying to? I'm a busy man and there's a lot of reality television on my DVR that needs catching up on. I pride myself on being able to discuss a plethora of different topics - from the state of the global economy to the repetitively obnoxious "on and off" relationship of Sammi "I'm a dumb desperate bitch" Sweetheart and Ronnie on the Jersey Shore. In my opinion, a sign of a truly intelligent person is one that is well-versed in both ends of the spectrum.

Why, then, is it so difficult to garner a response from a potential employer? All I was asking for was a chance to interview or even meet informally, but from the responses (or lack thereof) that I received, you would think I was going around asking for free handjobs or selling discounted coupons to a Mexican bestiality show.

The unfortunate reality is that the job market is competitive and cut-throat, and you learn that most companies rarely give a fuck about your resume and cover letter that sit lonely and untouched on the bottom of a massive pile. It's discouraging, but it's true and always has been. Therefore, I got creative. I Googled companies and found contact info for HR recruiters and CEO's, grew some rather large balls, and shot them emails. I even went as far as creating a Linked-In profile to send the CEO of one company an email asking him to meet with me. But no matter what I did, no response. Since I have a hard time accepting when someone ignores me, I became increasingly assertive and pushy. This annoys me because I end up feeling like a used car salesman, but it's really the only option you're left with.

In the days leading up to my Friday in Manhattan, I had managed to secure 3 interviews, both formal and informal, in an effort to make my time worthwhile for the day. That Thursday, I emailed one of the companies to confirm my meeting the following morning. To my complete and utter lack of shock, I received no response after 2 different emails politely asking where and when we would be meeting. Around 10 PM that same night, I received the following email from my second potential interviewers:

Andres,

Unfortunately we are not able to schedule the interview for you tomorrow as previously planned, the hiring managers are still reviewing resumes, however they do have stronger candidates with more of the type of experience that they are looking for. I will keep your resume actively on file.

Thanks,
Tim

Actively on file? What does that mean, Tim the recruiter? Is there a database that they keep, similar to a no-fly list? Earlier that week, I had completed some stupid assessment for this Tim person. After doing so, he filled me with promises of interviews and opportunities, which of course got my hopes up. Needless to say, I felt as though I had been stood up at the prom. At this point it was too late to change my plans, and I remained hopeful that the last person I would be meeting with "informally" at a Starbucks in midtown would be worthwhile.

The following day I arrived in Manhattan and checked into my hotel (as my 1 friend was out of town and my other friend had no A/C in her apt. If you've read my "Excessive Heat Warning" post, you will understand my reasoning for shelling out 144 bucks for a hotel room). I quickly emailed the guy I planned to meet to confirm our 4:30PM Starbucks meeting. Earlier in the week, it had been nearly impossible to garner any sort of response from this guy. This time, however, I received a response 2 minutes later:

Hey Andres,

As it happens, I'm pretty busy this afternoon. We could always try for sometime during the day Sunday or next week. Not sure when you are around until, but let me know.
- Steve

Fantastically enough, I was now left with 0 interviews and a $144 hotel bill. So I walked to Soho, shoved 2 enormous slices of Pepperoni and Sausage pizza down my gullet, and went shopping. I stumbled upon the notorious UNIQLO store, a Japanese version of H&M. Here, I purchased breathable undershirts (to control my sweating problems), breathable underwear (to protect against chub rub), and a $19 shirt that I could say "Oh, well I bought this in Manhattan" if someone chose to compliment me. The Japanese think of everything, from seafood flavored potato chips to breathable underwear. And for that, I am thankful.

As I walked around the city, I found myself in a fury of rage each time I passed a "young professional" chewing on their $14 salad on a park bench. Why did it seem that, for me, it's been increasingly difficult and degrading trying to even have someone sit down and interview me? It seemed so easy for these other people. You would think I'm attempting to land a job in Paris and apply for French citizenship. This is NYC, which is located in the U.S., which is a 3 hour train ride from my house, where I have full rights to work as an American citizen, and which is seemingly the most impossible city on earth to find a place that will pay me a mediocre salary so I can live in a shit hole shoebox of an apartment and eat Ramen noodles from a dented Styrofoam container. But to me, it's where I feel my next step is - maybe a place where I will finally come alive. And who knows, maybe I'll change my mind. But for now, I will sit at my desk in my comfortable Japanese underwear and freshly aired torso - sending emails with my resume and cover letter and waiting patiently for a response.