As the music blared and the lesbians grilled, I looked over to see a small child hoisted onto the shoulders of a very drunk mother who happened to be jamming out to 1998 hip hop. I know for certain that I was frightened by my surroundings, so I can only imagine what was going through that poor child's head. Simultaneously, a woman who embodied the very essence of a crackhead was flailing her arms back and forth in an attempt to dance and seduce an adjacent lesbian with a tattoo that read, "God made me pretty". How ironic. I can't help but think God must have been having an off day or got distracted sending Jesus a text message when creating her.
I often times find myself wondering why lesbians are so disheveled. Strangely enough, all of my lesbian friends actually happen to be attractive and at the very least slightly feminine, but every single pride event I've ever attended, no matter what city, is flooded by lesbians that could easily be mistaken for overweight plumbers or heavyweight champions. Baltimore was absolutely no exception. I swear at one point I looked over and saw two different lesbians scarfing down a hot dog without so much as a single chew. For a group that is so opposed to weeners, they seem to take great pleasure in shoving them down their throats without shame. I suppose I can identify.
In general I find that gay pride parades bring about every type of lesbian and/or gay that very few of us would actually be "proud of" per se. Nevertheless, I can appreciate the sense of camaraderie and community during these types of events. It reminds me of a real life family, where you realize that you don't choose to have ugly or obnoxious family members, you just accept them as an inevitable reality and move on. That's relatively close to how I feel about the gay marriage issue. If you don't like what you see, just look the other way. I found myself having to do plenty of that in Baltimore, and it's just a part of life. There will be times where you don't particularly care for the environment or lifestyle or people that surround you, but it's never an excuse for interfering in the lives of others. I'll be the first to admit that I can be a judgmental prick. My day in Baltimore was filled with reverberating thoughts of "I didn't know such levels of ugly and trashy could exist and be morphed into one person". But in those instances, if I wasn't staring out of curiosity and entertainment, I just looked away and kept it moving. For those people that oppose gay marriage or the gay lifestyle in general, I can only say this: If you don't like gay marriage, blame straight people. They're the ones that keep having gay babies.
For me the logic seems simple. If you have a problem with the gay lifestyle, then don't be gay. You can hide and shelter yourself and your precious children in a bubble in suburbia but guess what, sooner or later Todd and Chad will be moving in next door with their black lab, Vietnamese baby, and VW Jetta parked in the driveway. Sorry to burst that bubble. But, it doesn't stop there. They will recruit your children for play-dates with the Vietnamese, bake you an evil quiche, sow you some curtains for your bare windows, and saunter away the hopes and dreams you had for living in Pleasantville. Before you know it, you and your spouse and all of your children will be partaking in musical theater and embracing the arts while living a life of evil and sin without even realizing it. The world is changing and I believe the views and perspectives of human beings in general need to evolve as well. In the end, we are no different than animals. Animals have evolved for millions of years to adapt to changes and become fit enough to live and thrive in their environments. What makes us different? What is it about change that scares people so much?
Some of the reason behind the "logic" I've heard spewing from the mouths of conservatives and religious zealots is that the Bible says homosexuality is an abomination. Well the Bible also says that adultery and divorce and pre-marital sex are all grounds for dismissal from The Kingdom of God...yet I see Sarah Palin's 17 year-old daughter, Bristol, embracing her love for the male genitalia and then discussing it with Barbara Walter's on The View in between breaks to breast feed her baby. The world is a sadly hypocritical place. It must be nice to pick and choose to believe what you want based on convenience, and then condemn what you disagree with based on ignorance.
Presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann and her husband, Marcus, are actively involved in the "Conversion Therapy" movement, where a person with homosexual tendencies can actually "pray away the gay" through therapy and religion. It astonishes me that highly educated (allegedly) individuals like Michelle and Marcus can simultaneously be so sheltered and idiotic. Perhaps a better use of their time would benefit from counseling ignorant Bible thumping Midwesterners to use condoms, monitor their cheese intake, and stop the obesity epidemic that's driving up healthcare costs. At the very least, that area of the country would benefit from condoms and a detraction of hideous genetics being spewed out from the vaginas of 19 year old mothers (No offense to those hot, cornfed and moderately educated Midwesterners. Hollerrrrrr!)
In short, I would love nothing more than to place Michelle Bachmann or Anne Coulter amidst a crowd of New Yorkers in Times Square and allow them to speak for 10 minutes about their views on gays. I would televise the event and hold nationwide bets for an ultimate jackpot to the person who can guess how many Louis Vuitton purses, Alexander McQueen shoes, D&B sunglasses, and Skinny Girl Margarita bottles the gays could throw at them in the span of exactly 10 minutes. Whether they like it or not, the gays may be queens but they are also relentless, catty, and vindictive. It's a perfect tri-fecta of evil used for survival that would not exist had people like Coulter and Bachmann just kept their mouths shut and possibly their legs closed.
And since we're all entitled to voice our own opinions I can wholeheartedly say this: I'd much rather attend the wedding of the crackwhore in Baltimore exchanging vows with the morbidly obese tattooed lesbian, officiated by a scantily clad Tranny in a thong and lace bra, instead of the backdoor redneck fiasco shotgun weddings that take place all across America intended to represent the "sanctity of marriage". Whether we like it or not, change is coming; and you can either embrace the evolving ways of society that represent fairness, progress, and equality, or swim against the current and drown amidst your own stupidity and false pretenses. I just hope that the Bachmann's, in the thick of their endeavors to preserve America, took some time off for some swimming lessons.
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