Have you ever found yourself at those crossroads in life where you second guess every decision you've made that has gotten you to where you are? Those moments where you kind of snap into a sudden burst of realization and you think to yourself, Holy shit, what have I done?! Where you wonder if everything you did that lead up to this very moment was the right thing, and if the results were worth it. I've been having quite a few of these lately.
A year ago, I was sitting at my desk in DC, doing a job I had no passion for and feeling like I was just going through the motions, like a robot with its batteries going on red. I remember thinking to myself When is this going to change? and feeling like if it didn't soon, I would just implode. My life was not where I had wanted it to be, and my soul yearned for something more. Something Better. I knew that it was up to me to change things and that I had two choices: I could sit and complain and accept the fact that I was unhappy and frustrated, living a life of quiet desperation that would never truly be my own. OR, I could do something about it. After all, this is my life and I'm in control of it.
For some reason, I had always had this false sense of hope that something amazing would present itself, as though a gift wrapped from the heavens would fall into my lap and I would open it, look inside, and find the perfect job, the perfect relationship, the perfect bank account, the perfect body, the perfect house, the perfect life, the perfect everything that could so nicely and adequately fit in this box. And then I would take my perfect smile, look up to the sky, whisper "Thank you", and live my life happily ever after. How moronic. I don't know why it took me so long to realize it, but that moment is not coming. Maybe it was the way I grew up, going to the best schools where you and your peers are constantly told, "You're special. You guys are going to be someone, and be the best of the best." And then in college, where it seemed like life, if only for a split moment, could actually be as easy as the notion that You take this many credits, you do well in them, you pass and you move to the next stage. And then after all this, you reach the last stage, where you graduate and then find a great job and live happily ever after. When was anyone going to stop and tell me, "Um hey, excuse me sir, guess what! All those things you were taught to believe and think to be true? Yeah, they were mostly lies. Sorry."
It took me until I turned 22 and had my first pretty much terrible office job experience for me to realize that it was all a lie. Or at least that it wasn't what I was taught to expect. And then various mid-life crises later, I continued to realize it - the lies that people told me. If things were that easy, we would all be living the perfect lives. Nothing is perfect, and that's ok. But I've come to realize that much of life is about compromise. There's moments where you'll find yourself more frustrated and unhappy than others and you'll think only about all the imperfections that are consuming you, which allows you to quickly lose sight of the amazing things that surround you. Not everything is always bad all at once - you just think they are.
Since I was a little boy, I would come to New York with my parents and be in complete awe from the magic that I felt existed here. I would see it on TV, come visit friends, and tell myself over and over One day my life will be here. So I took charge of my unsatisfying life and did everything I could to get here. I saved money, I worked at a job I disliked and stuck with it to keep me ahead of the curve. I networked and fought and clawed my way through the barrier of that NYC skyline and I made it. I remember while going through the process thinking to myself It's hard now, but the ending will be so perfectly worth it. Perfect, right?
Well, since I've arrived here I think it's safe to say things have been a little less than perfect. Transitions are always difficult and no matter how you prepare for them, you WILL receive your fare share of surprises, and some of them may seem insurmountable. I dealt with a less than desirable apartment hunting experience (that you can read about below)but I fought through it and all fared well in the end. Everyday in NYC is a financial struggle in the beginning, and don't be fooled by anyone who tells you that it's not. It most definitely is, but it's something you prepare for and make changes to accomodate for it. You compromise between the things you want and the things you need and make decisions based on what you can afford. For instance, I've come to realize I can't afford cheese in Manhattan super markets, as it costs about $8.00 for a pack of 6 slices. I love cheese, but this is my compromise. Until I get a raise or become rich and famous, I won't be able to afford cheese. That's life. That's compromise. And actually because I happen to love cheese so much, it's actually a sacrifice as well. And to get what you really want in life, you have to make those compromises and sacrifices to get to the glory that lies ahead. Somewhere up ahead, it's better. It just has to be.
My first few months at work in New York City have been very hard as well. Adjustments are a challenge, and so is learning an industry from the bottom up, working 10-12 hour days, and doing a job that in most other places would require 2-3 people to do but here, it's only you. None of this is easy. I can't begin to describe how hard this transition has been and how close to defeat I've gotten - and it's only been 4 months! But everyday I tell myself This is what I wanted; it was my "dream" to live here and make a spectacular life for myself. Not yet DAMNIT!. Deep inside I know this is where I belong, and I'm certaintly not going down without a fight.
And as I've been having these really awful, long, frustrating days at work where all I want to do is just run outside the building with my hair in my arms, screaming at the top of my lungs, and just give a big "fuck you" to all the roadblocks that keep getting in my way, I've found myself again in a situation where something needs to change. No one is coming to rescue me. It's up to me to survive and become the person I envisioned for myself here. I'm in the city I want to be, and that alone required me to pull strength and perseverence from out of my ass and make it happen. And that was me, I did all of that. I fought to change what I was unhappy with and did it, which means I can certaintly do it again. I can't allow my unhappiness and frustrations to take over my life like they used to. I have found myself thinking Holy shit what have I done? Did I make a mistake coming here and losing all of my savings, giving up a high paying job in DC just to be more unhappy at work than I was before? I know one thing: I do not and will never regret what I did. I just need to learn how to make things work for me and at some level believe that they eventually will.
So just because things have been hard and it's easy to feel defeated and sad, I have to realize that there's things within my control that I can change. And this is something that so many people won't often realize, but happiness is a choice just as much as misery is a choice. We choose to be miserable if we continue to stay in a situation that makes us miserable without doing something about it. If you're miserable at work, find out why. If there's a reason behind it that can be fixed and addressed, then take control and fix it. If not, then take control and find something else. But never lose control of your own life, even when it feels like you're constantly slipping on ice and grasping for something to hold on to. Take control of these things because I can assure you that there is no magical fairy flying around on the cusp of delivering you a perfect solution or a beautiful escape. And if you're happy, enjoy the fuck out of each and every second of it because THAT is what life really is about.
By focusing on all the things that were stressing me out and going wrong, I lost sight of all the amazing things I have in my new life here. My friends, my coworkers, my apartment, my awesome roommate (who also doubles as a pet cat because he does nothing but sleep and poop), my karaoke skills that are a new hit in the West Village bars, all of these things are what make my life here pretty fucking great. So I have to make positive changes in terms of career and work because I'll be damned if they will take me away from everything I have here and everything I did to get here. Finding what you love to do and loving where you live are two exceptional foundations to happiness and self acclamation.
The other day, after an incredibly long and stressful day at work, I was walking home with my co-worker, Iris (who moved here from CA ), having one of those moments where we think What the fuck? Is this our life? Is this really what we wanted? And then, at that very moment, we both look up and spot a pair of 65-foot tall tits on an H&M billboard and smile at one another. "Of course we want to be here," she says. "Where else can we be walking home from work and look up to see a pair of 65 foot tits staring right down at us, as though taunting and laughing at the silly moment in time where we doubted ourselves." And that's how I knew that, often times, magic can come in the set of two very gigantic 65 foot breasts under an H&M ad. And I want to be where the magic still exists.
"No it won't all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good."
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