Looking Back

It's been a stressful few months adjusting in New York, finding an apartment, making friends, starting a new job and, essentially, starting a new life. No doubt I've been frustrated and have felt defeated at times, but I stumbled across this entry I made on the "Notes" section of my iPad right before leaving DC and thought I'd share it and keep it someplace public. A place where I can constantly remind myself and anyone else that sometimes amidst the chaos, you lose sight of the clarity that once existed - and how important it is to get it back...

Today I opened my closet, staring in awe at the daunting task of choosing what I'd be taking with me when I move to New York. At some level, the feeling of packing is familiar to me from all my travels. Except this time, I know it's more permanent. I've spent the last few days wondering what lies ahead, if I've made the right decision, if I'll be happy living on my own in a new city and making new friends. While my days have been riddled with surges of overwhelming anxiety, I can't help but be excited for what lies ahead. I know the transition will be far from smooth, but I'm confident in the fact that I've made it this far. My dreams of starting over in a new city doing something I love seem to be coming true, and yet I can't help but be reluctant to embrace it. It's as though I've lived my life, and most of my 20's, settling for unhappiness and mediocrity. And now, now that I'm finally at a place where I'm satisfied and happy, it feels difficult to embrace it. These past few years I had managed to completely forget what happiness felt like. And now that its back and stronger than ever, my logical side seems apprehensive of existing with this happiness - as though there's no room for it. So I've made a conscious decision to make room and enjoy my moment, because it's something I've worked long and hard for. And while my nerves and fears may try to get in the way, I know my anticipation for the greatness that lies ahead trumps it all.

But it's hard to believe my last day in DC is here. It's bittersweet because I'm leaving behind my friends and family and everything that is familiar, yet I know this is something that is good for me. It's time I grow up, move on, and turn to the next chapter of my life. And the best part is that aside from the ups and downs, I can leave my home, my job, and my friends knowing I have absolutely no regrets. And the most satisfying feeling on earth is knowing I'm pursuing what I knew was deep down inside me all along. I'll never look back now and think, "Why didn't I go? Why was I so scared?". I'm terrified, but I'm embracing the fear in hopes of the beauty and excitement that lies just beyond it. But through all of this, I've learned that relationships are important. Not just the ones you have with your friends and family, but especially the one you have with yourself. I never knew how to listen to my own voice, my own desires. Too often the sound of my own dreams was muffled by the opinions and persuasions of others. And while the search was long and difficult, I found my own voice once again. And this time, I listened.