I Failed and I Loved It

Learning to fail or accept rejection and failure is part of “adulting”, and I’ll be the first to say it’s not easy. When you’re younger, rejection can be one of the most terrifying notions. It’s why so many of us end up as awkward teenagers unable to get prom dates. It’s also why so many of us as young adults are at home watching Netflix and plowing through a bag of Skinny Pop on a Friday night. Because everyone has essentially become a “swipe left or swipe right”, we’ve become ok with rejecting but not ok with being rejected. “Ghosting” is the new black.

The same really goes for the job market. When you’re young and fresh from school, you have a sense of ambition and hunger that is evident to employers. In my experience as a 20 something, I never struggled to land a good job or evolve in my career thanks largely in part to my ambition.

Fast forward to 30 and it’s a different story. All of a sudden, you find yourself afraid of everything. You find yourself slipping into complacency. You’re no longer that young, hungry, ambitious 25 year old that was willing to move to the big city and work your way up the ladder while surviving off leftover ramen. You value comfort over sacrifice. You begin to doubt yourself and analyze every decision, because all of a sudden time is of more essence. Is this date worth going on? What if I don’t go and he was “the one” but I missed out? Is this new job the right move? Oddly, it’s the same questions you’ve always asked yourself but somehow they now seem to weigh more.

I was asking myself all of these questions recently as I sailed past my 4.5 year mark at my current job. All of a sudden, recruiters and companies were seeking me out to “discuss new opportunities”. I grew confident and knew I was in the driver’s seat, so the list of demands and requirements in my head took over. High pay, high title, perfect fit. I was a hot commodity on the job market. Before I knew it, I was sitting on a flight to San Francisco being flown out for a final interview with a prominent company. It all happened so quickly that I felt overwhelmed and the resounding questions kept getting louder and louder in my head...Is this the right move? The next morning, I went through the 3 hour interview and gave a 30 minute presentation. I left feeling great and thought I’d for sure get an offer. After all, I never struggled with that in my 20’s. That's why I was surprised when I spoke to the hiring manager a few days later and heard his feedback. “They loved your presentation and thought you were a really strong candidate, but you seemed to lack the level of excitement they were looking for during your one-on-ones.” I was angry. I had spent weeks preparing and felt I delivered an Oscar-winning performance. I felt like I failed and I just couldn’t take it.

From then on, I went through several interview processes with different companies and received similar feedback. But for some reason, I wasn’t getting any offers. It was a hard tumble back to planet earth. I realized that what I felt on the inside (confident yet lacking direction, evolving complacency, fear of change) was evident and translating to a lack of excitement and ambition. What happened to the confident, hungry 25 year old I once knew?

As you get older, you begin to realize that your passions and interests are what really drive you. In your 20’s, it’s often easier to overlook and go through the motions because you’re taught to work your way up and feel you have all the time in the world. At 31, I’ve realized that what I do best at work is also what I do best outside of work. I was failing at the job hunt because I was being driven by the idea that I was a guaranteed “swipe right” for all those companies. I was that asshole on the football team that still wore his varsity jacket at the bars 20 years later.  I realized I needed to hit the “reset” button and align my passions and interests to my career goals. If you can make your current job work with your vision, great. If not, it’s OK to look elsewhere. But just like dating, you can’t get anywhere without knowing what you want. And while time may feel of the essence, there’s no real rush.